I've Been a Little Busy this past year

and will offer no apologies for not posting here. I've reprioritized my life after my little one's injuries in Iraq, I've prioritized in my relationship after a hard year of ups and downs on the bipolar express, I've prioritized in my job after watching so many people being let go because of the economy, I've prioritized my family pushing everyone away until my little one no longer needed me to herself, putting the past behind me with my sibs and looking forward to new beginnings, letting my new found family (my dads huge family that is) into my life in small, baby steps.

What you might notice here is that nowhere in my prioritizing did the word Blog come in. And though much has calmed down in the past 6 months, should the trouble express once again gain steam, I will again abandon this sanctuary for my thoughts. But for now ....

I'mmmmmmmmmmmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

My First Day of Quitting

My First day of Quitting - what did the day bring (so far)?

One manic boyfriend, one broken puppy, one vomitting horse, a boss that doesn't let up, a co-worker that would try the patience of a saint, no lunch, that non-nicotined confusion and malaise, becoming bloated, missing boyfriend (same as above) who's out spending money on weed, 80 cents in my wallet, a disaster of a house that only I am willing to clean, all my clothes in the laundry and, of course, the usual everyday worries.

I think .... no wait .... I'm sure that I'm being tested here. Argh!!!!

Try this Again

It's almost 5:30 in the afternoon and I am posting this for the sake of dressing a naked page. Today was, thus far, uneventful. Last night my little one went back to Walter Reed to continue her course of treatments - leaving behind her puddly puppy - which, my boyfriend now wants to keep. He's adorable and I love him to death but really, I would kind of like to live in a peaceful, unhavoced home what I could somehow maintain control of.

I texted pooh, and she's back to not sleeping. PTSD has really taken a heavy toll on her emotionally, and her guilt refuses to allow her to seek the treatment she so desperately needs. I will keep plugging away at trying to break through her self destructive wall and hopefully she will see that she does not deserve all the hurting she keeps heaping upon herself.

Tomorrow I am scheduled to quit smoking - OMG I so definitely do NOT feel ready but my body - well - it's more than ready. I just wish I didn't have so many aggrevants at home to thwart me. But, that is going to have to be something to work around rather than with.

For the moment - I'll close this feeling that although this page is not dressed in regal garb - it has a respectful amount of dressing on it. ~ Peace

Did I ever intent to write in this

Can't remember if I ever took this seriously but as I try to develop my little website - and pull my Googly things together - I found this old and very abandoned attempt at bloggerism.

Dare I take a shot at this again?

We'll see.

Some Inflection

Some inflection - well I don't think I'm as nice as I used to be; actually, I catch myself being rather cold lately. Not with everyone but the number of people I am my kinder, gentler self with is diminishing. Maybe it's part of my growing up - I always envisioned that become harder was an extension of allowing bitterness to catch up with age - hell, I hope not.

Trying on working on myself of late is very exhausting, but it's something that we all have to keep doing right up until the big goodbye, so tired or not I clock in and do my time.

I keep being told I carry others' weight too much and am a slight overburdened (which I admit I sometimes DO and jump in where not needed); however, I think it's our job to alleviate one another's loads where we see fit and capable. To watch those we care about struggle with a load of bricks while we prance about with an ounce of sand is a hardness that, should I ever develop it, marks the end of our/my humanity. I admit though, it'd be nice to hand over a few of my bricks every now and again - but wishing or wanting that isn't productive to getting from HERE to THERE and THERE is where I want to be so c'est la vie (sorry if it's spelled wrong).

Okay let me finish this pile and that pile so I can vamoose outta here at three - I feel like feeling the air on my cheeks.

So, Peace

We the People

We the People are pretty lazy. Our whole consumer market saturates us with tools to compound our natural instinct to be inert. But those "toys" come so fast and easy that we don't even think it through before we utilize them. For example, I saw at least three Swiffers in the garbage this week around my neighborhood. I myself am guilty of buying into those commercials showing the pristine floors and ease of use. But let's face it, it's really a piece of cloth strapped onto a board with a stick. And the mopping ones, don't make me laugh. That cleans only a 2x2 area before that sucker dries out. To clean a REAL floor, used under REAL circumstances, you would need about 25 or those damn clothes. But we buy them - don't we - because on TV it looks just so damned easy.

I watched a comic talk about those stupid plastic clogs that were all the rage this summer (I for one found them HORRIBLE looking and wouldn't be caught coming out of a psych ward with them). We want shoes that we can slip into, not wear socks with, hose down when they're dirty. Thus, a shoe craze is born. Never mind the fact that they do NOTHING good for support - they're loud and cloppy, they get small children's feet stuck on escalators causing great bodily harm - they're horrible.

I do love the idea of the Roomba though - a small gliding saucer that sweeps and/or mops for you whenever it senses dirt. I am, however, fighting this urge to get one because I just can't shake that whole Flintstones meets the Jetsons thing (me being a Flintstone). I am not entirely comfortable giving over control of my life to machines (yet). I can see it now, a few years down the road and Roombas all over the world will fight the good fight - homes burning down around its owners while small disc shaped metal things are seen fleeing the scene like handicapped UFOs.

I love cell phones though, they bring people so much closer as is evidenced by the crowds gathered at the foot of the subway steps, in the lobby by the elevators, shyt - even in their cars - yapping and whooping and hollering to beat the band. Damn yo, how DID we get through life back in the day when you couldn't talk non-stop to people no matter where you were. When I first bought one many moons ago I got it for emergencies (and yeah so my insane then husband can track my movements) but I wonder, way back in the 70's, what did people do in emergencies? How could they go all day without talking to their loved ones, having fights, making up, planning the future - all while walking down the aisle of the supermarket.

But I'm old fashioned - I think people should be FORCED to be home with their loved ones and talk to each other daily - not get the lowdown while doing 65 on the FDR Drive. I think it's nice to see people in person when they say "I love you" rather than say "what, say that again my signal's breaking up." I have my phone for emergencies and don't even give out the number to people who I don't anticipate helping me in an emergency or I don't anticipate needing me in an emergency. Period.

But I'm just rambling without my full dose of coffee - I have not succumbed to the lure of the waterbug infested thing here at work.

Posted To Cover the Shame of this Naked Page

Right now I'm not caffeinated enough to write anything. This sucks, but the coffee machine for my floor had a friggen waterbug in it so I'm fighting off the {yawn} inertia that I'm feeling - but as time creeps slowly by the words "but the hot water would kill the germs" has crossed into my thoughts - damnable caffeine addiction.

This is the first slow day I've had at work in weeks. I can't believe how little I HAVE TO do. Yeah, I could be a productive member of the work force and take some initiative - but hell, it's THEIR fault I don't want to - multi-million dollar firms really shouldn't have to be harassed to exterminate should they.

Otherwise, as I look at this pitiful excuse for a blog, I think to myself - 5 cans of Pepsi equals a cup of coffee - doesn't it?

Peace